BEBE

This girl whom now I’m living with, show love in a very unusual way that I never experienced before. It’s been a struggle to adapt with her way of life. She said from the beginning “my words might be harsh, but it’s for a good purpose, I never sugar coating words,”.

Most of the time, I don’t live an easy life, so I said to myself “I’ve been worked with a mentally abusive boss, I’ve been bullied during life, and I manage to survive until this day. How hard it would be?”

But, It’s little bit hard. There was days I’ve spent crying, being anxious, and blaming myself every time we argued because I always feel attacked and ended up feeling guilty. I feel she didn’t respect me, always force her opinion towards everything, and yelling most of the times.

If I only tell you that story, it seems like she is a bad person, right?

Matcha Berry

In fact, she isn’t. She just being herself and people often get her wrong (including me) because the way she communicate.

She is the most honest person I’ve ever met in this life. If she feel something isn’t right, she will say it in front of your face. In the culture where it is common to talk about people behind their back on behalf of “not to offend other people“, such behavior often considered as inappropriate. Then I realize, people choose the sweet lies than the bitter truth.

Earlier this morning while I was wake, I suddenly felt slapped. All this time, when she pointed out my mistakes or told that I was wrong, I feel wrong and stupid. Therefore, the automatic defense mechanism I have is to fight back and giving all this non sense excuse why I doing those things.

I realized, It was my ego that hurts, because in the end I admit that I was wrong (but I don’t want people to know it). Every time difficult times happen, I often start with “This should have never happened, I already try my best” while actually I should just accept it as part of life; because I learn when we accept our flaws, it is where we learn and grow. Making mistakes is a normal part of learning. As a partner, she only pointed out my mistakes, so I can learn and reach my best potential.

She taught me how to manage emotions by introducing “The Feeling Wheel” . I found this useful to help explain my emotions or feelings more clearly rather than sticking to common categories such as happy, sad, mad, or scared.

It is selfish to place your partner as a solution to overcome your problem, meanwhile she also has her own problems.

To cope with my forgetfulness, she is not permissive by being understanding every time I forget somethings. She always repeated that every time I forget, it means that I’m not focused and don’t prioritize the important things. This behavior not only harm myself, but also people around me (both in personal and professional relationship). She often ‘nags’ me and repeatedly asking me to take notes on important things (which sometimes I feel annoying, but she is right).

She also ‘forced’ me to dig deeper on any fact before talk about it, since I love talking non sense when I’m angry or anxious. I always amaze on how she could see something in a bigger picture and plan every single things in her life carefully (even just for buying a things).

In the end, I know that she is being kind, compassion, and considerate in her own way. There was time I want to give up when we have fought. But, quoting Ajahn Brahm in one of his speech “You might not always get along with your loved ones, you might argue or quibble with them, but you love them nonetheless.”

For everything she did until this time, I will always feel grateful, because she won’t ever bother to do those things if she never care.